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Heat and Sarcasm

Due to annoying temperatures and an ill-conditioned office, I begged off work early today to go home and watch dvds. Here follows a short, short version of Master and Commander, aka "that sea movie that borrowed the music from Dune":

RUSSELL CROWE: Arr, matie! After having sexual tension with me best friend, I'm going to reaffirm my heterosexuality by posing on the prow of me ship with me shirt unbuttoned and my hair manfully mussed! Arr! And I admire Nelson!

PAUL BETTANY: I must now perform gratuitous yet mercifully ungraphic amputations. Later I will draw beetles, because I am a scientist.

SMALL URCHIN: I'm only ten and already have a war wound! But luckily I am a brave little toaster who will only whimper manfully while my fucking arm is cut off with a saw!

PAUL BETTANY, as he slips in blood on the rolling ship: Throw more sand on the floor! (Actual line!)

MISCELLANEOUS BRITISH SEAMEN: God save the King! Down with the French and democracy! Yo ho yo ho and a bottle of rum!

IRISH HOBBIT: I appear slightly taller in this film!

Battle battle battle. Blood guts and wind.

RUSSELL CROWE: I doubt my abilities as a good captain. But I want to blow up that French ship I was told to blow up!

PAUL BETTANY: You are definitely a pyromaniac with an Ahab-complex. But you're my friend so I will support you even as morale declines and everyone keeps dying. By the way, there aren't any implicit parallels to current political war situations at all in this film. So, can we go to the Galapagos so I can draw turtles?


WEENIE MAN: I suck at seamanship and even the lower-class, unwashed seamen don't like me. I suck! *kills self*

MISCELLANEOUS BRITISH SEAMEN: Rabble rabble rabble! At this rate none of us will be alive by the time the credits roll!

REDCOAT: I am going to inexplicably pull a RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER on our becalmed ship, try to shoot an albatross for no reason, and accidentally shoot the doctor instead. Oops!

PAUL BETTANY: It sucks to be the only educated one on this ship. Now I must perform surgery on myself so I won't die of suppuration.


PAUL BETTANY: Can I go draw beetles on the Galapagos now?


PAUL BETTANY: Thank you. Oh look, isn't that that French ship we've been fighting with for the past two hours?

RUSSELL CROWE: This one's for Nelson!!!!!!!!!!!

Battle battle battle. Blood, guts, and wind.

PAUL BETTANY: Glad that's over. We can end now, can't we?

RUSSELL CROWE: Well actually, it turns out the French double-crossed us. However we've been at this almost three hours and people want to go home and pee. So let's sail into the sunset in pursuit and play music.


AUDIENCE (ME): ...That's it? They got...nowhere? Stupid metaphors. I'm going to watch anime until we lose power again!

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