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So in a chat just now I realized that the story of Jeb Bush would be the most amazing dark comedy that could be put to film. Like, how is HBO not on this shit. Anyway.

Imagine, if you will, the epitome of mediocre white boy whom life has handed a silver spoon: The Daddy in government, the mother ostensibly a homemaker but really that stonecold appearance-driven automaton that was manufactured throughout the 1950s. Like, Betty Friedan called and then noped out of there. ("Fun" fact: Friedan was involved in Nixon's campaign, because the world of wealthy white women is a scary place. ANYWAY.) So mediocre white boy has the best that life and money can offer, but all he wants is to be wuved. But plot twist: His parents will always love his dipshit of a little brother more. Georgie needs their help, you see. You're a grown man, Jebediah! Deal with it.

And that's how Georgie becomes two-term president of the US despite a coke habit, being unable to run a ranch that was bought for him, being unable to manage the BASEBALL team that was bought for him--and imagine that family party, Georgie gets a baseball team and Jeb gets, what, seats to see CATS, but like the super-shitty seats where the balcony supports cut off a third of the stage? Anyway, that all goes SO WELL as you know, and Georgie retires to paint dogs somewhere and Jeb just tries to keep on keeping on.

But okay so imagine, like, the obligatory awful Christmas dinner sequence alone. The WASPiest of WASP families with the Christmas tree that was beautifully decorated by other people and also the presents that were also bought and decorated by other people. And like, EVERYONE wants to drink but they can't because of the recovering alcoholic little brother, but then the nieces sneak in some hootch, and EVERYONE is bribing them to get a secret bit of it (not just their dad and uncle but even GRANPA) (and this is also how they go home every year with new cars and shit), except for Babs who gives no fucks and has wine with dinner and smiles at everyone being uncomfortable and its implicit that she thinks everyone is weak
and the patriarch gives no fucks anymore. None. Actually, no, he's planning going skydiving the next day
because why not and if he dies it will be better than the life he has to lead anyway.

Anyway so Jeb just has to leave the room at some point and then sees the Charlie Brown Christmas Special on tv, and he realizes that HE IS CHARLIE BROWN and that the FOOTBALL IS HIS POLITICAL LIFE that he is NEVER EVER GONNA HAVE. BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS GODAMMIT! So he puts on his coat and a fuzzy hat and grabs an axe and some hootch and people are concerned but like, not enough to tell him this is maybe a bad idea, you know, AXES AND ALCOHOL, and so anyway he goes out into the Connecticut snow to look for the tiniest little tree he can find and rescue because IT WILL BE SYMBOLIC, THIS SHITTY CHRISTMAS TREE IS HIS COUNTRY AND HE WILL SAVE IT. So he finds the tiniest most ridonkulous tree and and is trying to cut it down, and the birds that were quietly sleeping in it are PISSED about this so they go for his eyes, and remember he's kind of toasted now so he takes a swing at them with the axe but slips and it the axe falls on his foot and there's blood in the snow and he howls the existential howl of the dumbass lone wolf that wasn't meant to survive anyway, HE IS EVOLUTION'S DEAD END AND THIS IS IT OKAY.

So he's lying in the snow in shock, kinda sorta waiting to die but mostly staring at the falling snow, like some James Joyce The Dead shit, and for maybe a split second the universe makes sense. Maybe. Life is hard and full of pain even for mediocre white men who can buy baseball teams and judges.

And okay so then he wakes up in the hospital and he's surrounded by his family, and this should be reassuring except of course it's not, this is his family, why would it be reassuring? So his beloved Mom who has never liked him has to explain that the reconstructive surgery went well, he's not going to spend the rest of his days as a clubfooted mutANT (AND this is how she pronounces it, mutANT, like she saw This Island Earth as a young woman and decided that was all she ever needed to know about science), so that's something, but on the negative side he totally killed a miniature blue-furred pine, there are only EIGHTY of those left in the wild and he KILLED one, the hippie wildlife protection people are losing their damn minds, what were you THINKING, Jebediah?

And Jebediah laughs, because nothing can be saved that can't be destroyed, just like his family, just like Christmas. And he continues laughing as he is wheeled to the psychiatric floor, and George Sr. sighs and takes out his phone to cancel his skydiving appointment, he'd been looking forward to it so much, but what can you do. This is family. But he does want half the $20k down payment back.


Okay, HBO, I would like Emmies now. Thank you.


( 8 comments — Add your .02 )
Oct. 25th, 2016 06:08 am (UTC)
That was gloriously terrifying!
Oct. 25th, 2016 04:21 pm (UTC)
I'm still just amused that I wrote political RPF.

Like, surely there's a sequel where he gets busted having anonymous gay sex in an airport bathroom??
Oct. 25th, 2016 02:29 pm (UTC)
*wipes away a tear*

Though it's not like Jeb didn't get to be governor of Florida. If he had only been satisfied...
Oct. 25th, 2016 04:20 pm (UTC)
*says like "Jersey? Everything's legal in Jersey"* Flor'da? Everything's shit in Flor'da! ;)
Oct. 25th, 2016 04:49 pm (UTC)
No arguments there.
Oct. 25th, 2016 08:58 pm (UTC)
::dorky seal claps::

Magnificent! That really needs to be filmed and shown every Christmas.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 26th, 2016 07:51 pm (UTC)
If I have learned anything it's to never let reality get in the way of a good story. ;)

But now I'm always gonna call Jeb Charlie Brown because I am awful. :)
( 8 comments — Add your .02 )

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