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Part Deux

I know you can't keep everyone happy all of the time but I wish that by helping one friend I couldn't disappoint another. Things with Andrew are somewhat straightened--neither thinks of the other as an asshole now--but at the price of my Attempted Pride and my other friend's good opinion, which I respect. These two guys are whom I love, respect, and admire the most in the world and it kills me that they are so disparate. I refuse to choose between them, as well, as that's not fair to me and holds my love and friendship for both cheap.

They are different sides of the same coin. Maybe the only thing I could do that would be truly fair would be to let them both go, but that idea makes me beyond sick. (And perhaps it's Attempted Pride, but I'd like to think they would both miss me.) I suppose that is selfishness but it is also self-preservation: I truly believe I would fall apart irreperably if it weren't for them.

I am trying to get together. I feel what I feel and I can't help it but I try to ignore it, or if not ignore it at least still try to do what's fair to all. I know neither of them love-love me but I do love them, and as much it hurts me I think I am better for that and for them.

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April 2018


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