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home sweet home

My train Monday was two hours late, but I got back in Georgia yesterday. Been doing Xmassy things like shopping for stocking stuffers and wrapping and was getting all perked up when the universe, as it is wont to do, decided to pee pee on us. My Mom found out last night that the son of one of her friends died Monday after years of guinea pig boutting with numerous cancers, and then a guy she knew from school died yesterday also, so she has been pretty sniffly and I've just tried to be there with hugs and to do whatever (clean kitchen, etc.).

Then she got sort of hurt with me when I told her to please, please not talk about Andrew (just say no) or my future job prospects (I just can't think that far yet, not right now). I feel kind of selfish but I can't deal with it right now. I weighed myself this morning and though I thought I was doing better, found I'd lost another 9 pounds from Thanksgiving to now. How is that even possible?? Jesus! Well I know why I've been extra-cold lately, and why all my clothes are fitting badly. Hard to belt on jammies isn't it? And isn't this a stupid post cos you'd think I'd be happy to lose weight instead of feeling all paranoid and shit. ARGH.

So then I called up my friend Josh, as he and I and Matt usually try to get together over the holidays for something fun and a semblance of reconnection post-school. It was good to talk to him but sort of awkward as we really didn't have much to say to each other: we're both working our arses off, we're both depressed nothing Whedony is on anymore, and um yeah. It was shades of lunch with Andrew, but not as affecting, disappointing, or nauseating.

Y'know what, growing up sucks.

And next year better be freaking fantastic.

Here's hoping everyone else is doing and being way happy: I envy you all!!!!!! :)

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April 2018


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