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[sticky post] Fic Master Post

CURRENT TALLY OF COMPLETED FIC WORDAGE: 430,430
All Star Trek stories are Kirk/McCoy unless otherwise stated.
All Avengers stories are Steve/Tony unless otherwise stated.

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Obligatory Statement on LJ

I've been crossposting between LJ and DW since the servers were being moved to Russia; I've also deactivated my auto-renew account for lj because I don't want them to have access to my financials. I don't think the recent LJ TOS statement will be legally enforceable in the US, but I also don't foresee any organizations going to the mattress about it either.  That said, if LJ ups and closes shop, all my stuff is at my DW account: caitri.dreamwidth.org. 

Good night and good luck, I guess.
Leah Price's "What We Talk About When We Talk About Books: The History and Future of Reading" (2019), p. 23:

"Perhaps print is to digital as Madonna is to whore: we worship one but use the other."

YATTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I IS DOCTOR CAIT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

T Minus

 Well here we are: The defense is Thursday.

I'm going to do my best to hunker down this week so I'm as prepared as possible...wish me luck with that!

A Better Headspace

I've had a few better days, so I feel less angsty, at least for the moment. Knock wood tomorrow I'll get some writing time to work on my talk for my defense, and then I'm planning to take this weekend as easy as possible. I am so tired, which I do know is mostly stress and anxiety. This has been a rough start to the new semester, but knock wood it will be calming down and I can get into a sense of a rhythm versus just being overtaken by this and that.

Although realistically I also know I'm not going to be able to REALLY relax until after graduation, when I can have winter break. (I'm already planning to devote myself to reading novels and taking naps.)

Some More Anxiety

My anxiety has been extra bad in recent weeks because of work stress and so on. I'm also planning to visit my Mom for Thanksgiving and going to my graduation, which is the week after, which because of Scott's work travels also involves some traveling gymnastics. He was grumbling because I wanted to do a travel route I at least know pretty well vs. a cheaper but more complicated one. He finally yielded to my plan but with some grumbling about the expense. I really wanted to be like, "I'm graduating with a doctorate only once, I promise, now deal with it."

We're both very tired which no doubt fueled the mutual annoyance. But at least it's all done. 

Stress Dreams

I've consistently been having stress dreams at least a few nights a week for the past few weeks. Mostly about work (working in InDesign drawing boxes forever and ever, editing, etc.) and then last night dreaming about a beloved friend getting angry and huffing off like my other friend did recently.

Like, on the one hand, hi brain, thanks for being straightforward.

On the other hand, STOP THAT, I am exhausted and need to relax, please and thank you. 

The Die is Cast

Sent the diss to my committee.

I have to write up an informal-ish talk I give as an introduction to my defense next month, but otherwise I am "done."

Filled with restless anxious energy, I baked banana bread to take to work tomorrow, read through George Takei's graphic novel memoir, and am listening to the  BBC4 adaptation of In Search of Lost Time, which I tried to read many years ago and which I could not comprehend. Listening to Derek Jacobi and a cast of other famous English people, I'm still not sure I comprehend. But given that we have a significant Proust collection at work, I feel as if I have to try.

Blather: The Good Parts Version

I feel like all my past entries recently have been grumpy or whiny, so here's my attempt at a good things post.

1) I'm for realsies finishing my diss edits and will send it to my committee in two weeks. (In related news: eek.)

2) One of my Big Work Projects is almost over; at the least, the hardest part is done. *knock on wood*

3)  We met some of my work friends for board games and hanging out, and had a lot of fun. We're also inviting a bunch of people to our place next weekend because we haven't had a proper house party yet and we want to fix that.

4) Welcome to Night Vale will also be in town in two weeks, and I snagged us tickets!!!!



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Grrr

I have recently had an excess amount of "balls dropped I need to pick up--without anyone telling me."

Just. Hey, people. Stoppit.

Sunday Night

I typically don't have Sunday blahs, but I do wish this week was less overloaded so I could fit in some extra sleep somewhere. It's the first week of classes, so that means all my regular meetings plus some extra meetings plus the start of teaching and extra teaching prep. *sigh*

Yesterday I spent the afternoon at an outreach event for new students; the theme was games and I was doing tarot readings. (I do like how skills picked up in otherwise fruitless endeavors--in this case, meant to bond with "friends" I have since left behind--eventually come in handy.) Across three hours I gave 21 readings, and apparently was the second-most popular table after the ones for Smash Brothers.

I also got a chunk of work done on my diss, which, well done me. I also found late Friday I have to do some extra paperwork, because of fucking course. I was told this like I should know what forms to fill out, and hopefully will find this info out tomorrow. ::sigh::

I also called Mom this afternoon because I might as well get some chores out of the way, the better to spend as much of next weekend as possible sleeping. She was on fairly good behavior actually, which was a relief. Apparently my 20th high school reunion was held recently, and she asked me a few questions about people who I don't really remember. After about half an hour I do think one of the names she mentioned was a girl who had beaten me in the creative writing contest my....junior year, maybe? I remember being irked because when I read her story it was poorly written with several words used incorrectly, and I was baffled. And apparently if THAT'S what I remember I'm petty af, but there you go. (I also FOR SURE remember that when it came to the awards ceremony my mother didn't even go, which led to me spending two hours on my own at an event where everyone else was there with their parents. See also me being petty, again.)

Anyways the weather has been the lovely sort of pre-fall weather I like best: golden sunshine, brief rain showers, crisp air and cool breezes. If I was less exhausted I'd love to bake, but maybe later when everything isn't absurd.

This has been a WEEK

Monday: Walked into work to find my workstation mysteriously fried over weekend. After an entire morning of meetings, went to a lunch meeting where I realized I forgot to back-up a file for a major project I was working on. Lost like....four hours of work because Friday afternoon I was tired and forgot to upload the one. file. I needed before I left. Colleague also asked me to stay after work so we could hash out design for said project. Got home at 7pm.

Tuesday: Tornado warning at work, so we all retreated to the basement for half an hour. Thankfully the alert was overplanning; there were high winds, but no dangerous danger. Still nerve-wracking. Had to immediately go to a meet and greet for new students to sell the libraries, followed by an afternoon of computer wrangling with IT--they came back and forth with three different machines before getting one to actually work. And then one of my critical programs didn't, so they had to come back....

Wednesday: Today. Which, thankfully they did, and I also had a monthly meeting with my boss updating her on the insanity that is my work life right now, and also thankfully she is encouraging and supportive. Nonetheless, I didn't get back home to work on my research until past 11am, so almost half a day lost. I made up for it despite general exhaustion, because my diss edits have to happen.

I am SO TIRED, you guys. But I gotta make a bunch of work things happen, including an outreach event on Saturday. ::tired whimper::

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Welp, I just applied for graduation

 So I guess this is happening.

Yiiiiiiiiiiii!

1) So my diss defense date is October 3. That is exciting and terrifying. I have my list of paperwork and such like to do.

1a) Dear lord and lady I'm going to have to nominally engage with my family over graduation. Yikes.

2) Apparently I am still in the doghouse with my friend/frequent collaborator--she's not engaging in IMs (we used to chat every day pretty much) or social media. I've tried reaching out a few times and now I'm just like, "Okay, well, this is on your karma now, have fun."  (Also, is this not the most hilarious overreaction to concrit ever? One low-key suggestion echoing the feedback of other people = totally frozen out. Woof.)

3) Work is superbusy but fun. I'm going to be working on designing a catalog for our next exhibit which opens in a month. That's....a tight deadline and it kind of scares me, but hey! Let's see what happens!

Vacationing

We're having a low-key vacation in Colorado; being bums, hiking, going to plays, etc. I spent a couple hours on Monday working on my diss a little bit, but otherwise have stuck to my vague plan of reading for pleasure and being lazy. I....really like this. I had thought a bit about trying to write some fic, but my muse laughs at me.

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Today in Self-Esteem

In general I'm angsting mess, but today I feel good about myself. I had a really good call with my adviser who is very happy with my dissertation and thinks it's going to be easy to turn into a book--she basically said for me to go start send inquiring emails with presses and named a few. It's looking like my defense will be in early October and I can skype in, and knock on wood it will all be easy enough.  

And through crazy random happenstance I happened to read an old journal entry from like nine years ago, where I had talked to my Mom who, as is typically, was wearing me down. She was "worrying" about how I would ever find my "next job" (which was funny because at the time there was little reason to think I'd leave that one) because of how I dress and so on. (In case you're wondering, my typical work "uniform" consists of button shirt, cargo pants, and black tennis shoes, with nicer clothes for events and tshirts for when I'm doing gross work.) Anyway, it's funny that here I am in my "next job" where...I wear the same casual outfits, get treated with respect, have solid rep, and so on. It's almost like what matters to people are my accomplishments and the fact that I'm a good person to work with and not what I look like.... 

Little Things That Give Me Hope

One of my souvenirs from last week is a little enamel pin of a library card in pride rainbow colors. I fastened it to the cardigan I keep at work this morning. Earlier I was reflecting how 20 years ago doing such a thing AT WORK would have seemed impossible, and how ten years ago it would have been brave, and today it's just quietly no big deal. And that made me happy. 

Home, For Now

 Got back from the conference yesterday, and since then, chores and sleep. I worked up such a sleep debt while I was gone, largely as a function of an exceedingly uncomfy dorm mattress--I am officially Too Old For That Shit.

The conference was itself....a thing. I enjoyed it more than I was expecting, and had some good conversations and so on. A LOT of people thanked me for the work I was doing, and how it was so great to see someone enthusiastic and with a love for the material. On the other hand, there are elements of elitism that are such a struggle and that turns me so off. I just felt really ambivalent and frustrated all week, and still do.

I think it's the intellectual equivalent of the "if you don't like the person, why are you friends with them?" thing, only....I do like the material, it's the people I often can't stand. Versus being in fan studies where we all take delight in one another, you know?

Anyhow, I'm home for a week, and then next week is going to be much looked forward to V A C A T I O N . I plan to only read for pleasure, write for pleasure, sleep, loaf about, and generally do nothing. I am so excited!

Conference Prep

Heading to a conference tomorrow. This is a big international one that's in North America every two years and then elsewhere the other years. The last time I went was 2015, where I was in a very different place: I was a full-time grad student again and getting lots of rejections for jobs, publications, and so on. This time I'll be a tenured prof at a top institution with an armload of bona fides. I'm chairing two panels I organized, and will be guest-chairing a third since a colleague injured her back and is delaying her travel. So I'll have plenty to do, and already have several additional meetings with colleagues lined up. Which is all to say--I'm anxious because I won't have "friends" there, but I WILL have colleagues and things to occupy me, so hopefully my introvert self can manage.

(And then there's introversion, social anxiety, impostor syndrome, and just me being a spaz, basically.)

The thing is, I often feel ambivalent about the moves I've made into book history and bibliography. Like, I know my shit, and I do love rabble-rousing (my GODS is it a white dude field that needs disruption), but I feel so much more at home in my popular culture studies where people are fellow geeks, and above all, NICE. 

But I'm also just tired; I'll be at this conference all week, and then I'll be back at work for a week, and then I'm going to spend a week on actualfacts vacation where gods all willing I will only read for pleasure, sleep, and eat. So. This is a plan. I can do it.

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