Don't Go where I Can't Follow

Obligatory Statement on LJ

I've been crossposting between LJ and DW since the servers were being moved to Russia; I've also deactivated my auto-renew account for lj because I don't want them to have access to my financials. I don't think the recent LJ TOS statement will be legally enforceable in the US, but I also don't foresee any organizations going to the mattress about it either.  That said, if LJ ups and closes shop, all my stuff is at my DW account: caitri.dreamwidth.org. 

Good night and good luck, I guess.
Cait Yatta!

Retail Therapy

I bought some books tonight as my form of retail therapy--there were sales on, which helped, and titles that I had long coveted for my personal use, and also I want to do my part to help university presses. And also, perhaps most importantly, I have no idea when my library will be up to speed so I can borrow things, and I need some things for projects right now. Luckily one of the perks of being a pop culture studies scholar is that since our work--and associated presses--are lower regarded, the price point is much cheaper!  (Also, it helps that I haven't really done anything for two months but pay bills and buy food, so my self-allotted "fun" allowance is rather healthy.

Sigh, and you can see the pressure I was under growing up to justify any pleasurable purchase in that I spent four rather long sentences explaining why wanting to buy something for myself is okay.

I've been thinking intermittently about trying again to do therapy. The main crux of the matter is my trust issues out the wazoo, and my dislike of feeling vulnerable. But now that I'm at a point of stability right now--fucking global pandemic aside--where I'm just so tired of my own brainmeat that I think it might be worth trying again.
Cait Yatta!

Fandom Meme

 From [personal profile] minoanmiss 


Pick a character you know I know, and ask me to answer these questions about them:
 
1. How I feel about this character
 
2. All the people I ship romantically and/or sexually with this character
 
3. Favorite gen relationship(s) for this character
 
4. My unpopular opinion about this character
 
5. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.
 
6. Random pet theory about this character that you won't convince me is not true.
 
7. A song or piece of music I associate with this character.
bullshit

Grump Grump

 I've been grumpy this week: lots of work stress with projects on deadlines, on top of much-lowered bandwidth. I have been so. tired. these last couple weeks, and grey days haven't helped. There's been a couple of pretty days, and I've gone to read outside and such, which has helped, but then the literal clouds come back and I sulk again.

Our state governor extended our shelter-in-place order til May 30, and my uni has sensibly announced that it is waiting to make decisions on what exactly to do in the fall, but in the mean time over the summer we will likely have staggered workflows to maximize social distancing, and people who are immuno-compromised can work from home for the forseeable. (Some of my colleagues are more cynically ready to shriek that the neoliberal university is determined to Kill Us All, and I just wanna be like, "um you got to work from home a full week before I did and your work does not require you to be onsite unlike some people's, so can you shut up now pls?")

My Supernatural Con I was so stoked about also got cancelled, but tickets and such will automatically roll over til next year unless you want refunds. I am mostly happy as otherwise I would have been travelling right as the shelter-in-place ended, and I did not want to be a pilot case for the lift.

I'm also one of those people who is feeling thwarted because I desperately WANT to be creative and write and such right now, but my brain is like "..." and again my energy levels are utterly zonked. But I do the dumb thing and check my social media and watch the colleagues I know perform the hell out of their productivity, and I totally recognize it as performance, but I still feel jealous and tired and depressed. (Obvious answer: Stop looking, and never compare anyway. Besides, I have always lived on My Own Planet, and historically that has worked out rather well for me...)

I hope you all are well. Please stay safe out there!!!
Cait Yatta!

Language Learning

Using Rosetta Stone is an acceptable thing to do at work for self-education, so I've started learning Mandarin.

Learning Mandarin with this program really means "matching pictures with words."

Sometimes they throw in new bits and I....guess what they do? Vocabulary and verbs are obvious, particles, adverbs, and interrogatives less so. (I mean, you'd think they'd start with "yes/no" but as near as I can tell they didn't? I think they started with another affirmative that's more like I am/he-she is." Anyway, it's a thing, and it fills time pleasingly...
Cait Yatta!

In the middle of week 4? of Iso

 What is time even, really?

I continue my schedule. Of all things my diss work prepared me for quarantine; aside from the inability to nip put for coffee or library books, it's pretty similar. For better or for worse I'm not feeling as dispirited as others are, as near as I can tell. I'm not writing as much as I would like, but that's about par for the course. 

~

We watched Cats the other night. Honestly, aside from the peculiar decisions of costuming and uncanny valleys, it doesn't have a patch on other terrible films I've seen. (Will anything ever be as bad as Highlander 2? I mean, really?) We also watched Battle Angel Alita, which is best characterized as "James Cameron's Issues With Women as Directed by Robert Rodriguez."
Cait Yatta!

Week 2 1/2 of Iso

If someone were to find my diaries and try to reread history through my eyes, they would be so disappointed: my entries continue to consist of minutia and handwringing.

I have kept to my usual work-at-home routine, which consists of getting up in the morning, making coffee, reading news, reading email, and then working on projects with breaks for social media and chores.

We have largely concluded Spring Cleaning 2020--by "we" I mostly mean "Scott" who did the heavy lifting on a lot of it. ("But I helped!" she said in a shake&bake child's voice.) But our house is pretty much cleaner than it was when we moved in, and we have reclaimed both the living room and the basement from the madness that was the neverending kitchen reno. (And once again, thank the GODS they finished before the shelter-in-place order came through. I can't imagine having to go through iso with only a microwave, a toaster oven, and a utility sink. Yeek!)

We did live large over the weekend: We got dinner delivery to mark our 15th anniversary! (15 years since our first date, 12 years since our wedding.) We ate warm pasta out of plastic containers, but it was really GOOD warm pasta, and gods all willing our favorite restaurants will come out of this.

I finished a couple of projects that needed revisions and sent them back to their respective homes. I need to start writing new stuff as I have deadlines in the middle and end of summer. 

I worry about my productivity and "wasting time" while I'm at home, because I'm an idiot. Someone on social media said that anxious little voice is "The capitalism talking," which is not wrong. But it's also my self-esteem which has always been bound up in being the Good Student, and the Good Scholar, and all that, and really I wish my brain wasn't an asshole sometimes.
Cait Yatta!

Week 1 of Iso

 It's been astonishingly long, though I still think I am driving myself less stir-crazy than others. It didn't help that most of yesterday was spent on tornado watch, though thankfully that came to naught.

Scott is being very paranoid about the covid (justifiably so per the news), and says he wants to wait another month and do a big shopping run then. I pointed out that it's predicted in a month's time our state will be at its peak case load, and since the shops are discouraging buying a lot perhaps it would make more sense to use instacart and amazon pantry in tandem. Well, we'll see what happens. In the meantime I ordered Girl Scout cookies online which will be sent to us by mail, because sometimes it's the Little Things That Get You Through. (He's also very paranoid about the mail and I told him the WaPo said the virus's half-life on mail was negligible. I'm wondering if he'd feel better if we identified a quarantine area in the garage or something to put mail etc. in for a bit or some such. 

Honestly, reality check: Is he being too paranoid or am I being too casual?? I honestly don't know.
Cait Yatta!

That's That, Then

 TPTB got their shit together to drastically cut people going in to the library. After today, one person will be going in to check things out each day, and I am not it*!

*Unless they get sick.

Scott was grousing all morning as I ate breakfast and dressed and got ready to leave. It was not reassuring, despite me telling him I was not going to really interact with people. At any rate, I'm glad that call was made, if only for my own peace of mind.

(But seriously, if one has to go out, perhaps one could be reassured???)