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Fic: Aisle of the Dolls, PG

Title: Aisle of the Dolls
Author: caitri
Pairings: Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Uhura
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1093
Summary: The boys find the new Heroes of the Federation action figures. Uhura is not impressed. Inspired by today’s DCDD pics.
Disclaimer: I know this may come as a shock, but I am not, amazing as it may seem, Gene Roddenberry, J.J. Abrams, Paramount or Bad Robot. Just so you know



“Okay this cool,” Jim admits, staring at the profusion of plastic and plush items meant to resemble them—all of them.

“The word you’re lookin’ for is ‘creepy’, kid,” Bones says, frowning at the entire aisle the store had devoted to the Enterprise and her crew. “Oh hey, lookit this!” he says in an entirely different voice, picking up a box labeled Junior Starfleet Officer Medical Kit. The wording on the side proclaims it has a working miniature tricorder and lab set. “Joanna will want it,” he explains as he tucks it under his arm firmly.

“Sure,” Jim says, bemused. This is more surreal than anything, he thinks as they walk through the store, no one really looking at them twice, thank God. And this is the store closest to campus, and Starfleet PR had wanted this stuff out to celebrate the refurbished ship’s departure next week, so it makes sense there’s a metric fuckton of this stuff here, but—

“Whoa! Lookit this!” There’s a plastic version of himself, and he picks it up. The eyes are the wrong color, and its lips look ridiculously red. “That—so doesn’t look like me.”

“And you can get a Not-You and a Fighting Gorn play set,” Bones says helpfully, nodding at the package nearby.

“So wrong,” Jim mutters, shaking his head. “I’m a doll, man!” He waves it at Bones. “A doll! What if I take it home and it kills me at night and tries to take my place?”

Bones rolls his eyes; somewhere in Jim’s rant he had acquired a toy Enterprise as well. “First off, brat, it’s an action figure, not a doll. Secondly, stop watching those twentieth century vids you like so much, they make you talk in your sleep and then I don’t get any!”

“You just don’t like Buffy,” Jim mutters, but he doesn’t put the doll back. He’s not sure what he’s going to use it for, but it all but screams out Awesome Future Prank!

“Oh my God!” He recognizes that cry of disgust and bewilderment—all too well, unfortunately.

“C’mon, Bones,” he says with more enthusiasm than he probably should, “let’s go see what they did to Lieutenant Uhura.”

Sure enough, Uhura and Spock are at the opposite end of the store, facing a display of more toys. The communications officer is holding a miniature version of herself, the Vulcan at her side looking on with an upraised eyebrow.

“What’s up?” Jim asks. He’s tempted to use her first name just because he knows it now, but he can tell if he does she will probably deck him—and Spock and Bones will both let her, because he’d deserve it.

Her eyes flicker to him in annoyance, then she relaxes when she realizes he’s actually planning on behaving. “Look at this!” she says, gesturing at the display, which are all of—her.

“Wow, the skirt’s longer on the doll than it is on you. Er—“ Jim knows that wasn’t the right thing to say immediately, both when Uhura’s glare kicks up a notch and Bones’s hand comes up to slap the back of his neck. “Ow! Sorry, sorry!”

Uhura shakes her head, realizing he’s actually repentant—for once. “They put me in the back aisle,” she says, looking uncharacteristically hurt. “What the hell? I translated the messages that helped us make it through everything and I’m—in the back—“ She looks over the dozens of Uhura dolls, jaw clenched.

“I very much doubt it was intentional, my—friend,” Spock says, obviously substituting a different word at the last possible second. “But it does seem—incongruous, at best.”

Uhura makes a low growl of frustration, and waves down a nearby stock assistant. “Excuse me,” she says, “but can you tell me why the Uhura dolls were separated from the others?”

The stock assistant stares at her blankly. “Um,” he says slowly, sounding confused and uncertain. “No? Sorry? That’s just where they ended up getting put when we were unloading stuff?”

“Well can you move them to be with the others?” Jim asks. “It’s only fair.”

“Um,” the assistant says again, eyes widening as he takes them in and puts two and two together. “Hold on—let me talk to my manager?” And he runs off.

Jim waves the Kirk toy after his retreating back. “The power of Doll!Kirk compels you!” he growls.

Bones heaves a long-suffering sigh. “I’m dating a twelve year old. Fuck my life.”

Uhura doesn’t quite suppress a laugh, and Spock looks bewildered. “You two are engaged in a relationship?” the Vulcan asks with as much surprise as he can muster. “Fascinating,” he continues when they just look at him. He turns to Bones. “Why did you not say as much when we were aboard ship?”

“I might have had a few dozen other things on my mind at the time.” Bones’s voice is dry. “Also, worrying about the brat is second nature by now. It’s honestly not much different up there than it is here.”

“Facinating,” Spock repeats, exchanging an unreadable look with Uhura—who looks vindicated.

That’s when the stock assistant comes back, manager in tow. “Lieutenant, we are so sorry,” the manager says quickly. “It’s an embarrassment and we’re going to rectify it right now, I promise.” He turns to all four of them. “Please, take what Heroes of the Federation memorabilia you like as our apology. No charge.” He focuses on Uhura again. “We should have everything moved in a few hours, if you want to come back to see?”

“Oh I don’t think that will be necessary,” Uhura says silkily—all but promising to never step foot in here again, “but I do thank you for your—attention—to this matter.”

They leave shortly afterwards, Jim still carrying his action figure, Bones his toys for Joanna—well, he says they are for Joanna—and Uhura with one of her own figures.

“Ugh,” she says, examining it more closely as they walk, “it’s worse than the ones I had as a kid. And she has her underwear painted on, I hate that!”

“Well—“ Jim starts, then continues hastily as the other three glare at him, “I am not saying anything because that would be bad and wrong and a sexual harassment case before I’m even on my ship again.”

“You’re learnin’, darlin’. That’s gotta count for something.” Bones puts his arm around him as Uhura laughs and Spock looks disapprovingly, and not for the first time, Jim can’t believe how awesome the people he’s with really are.

Comments

( 44 comments — Add your .02 )
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aadarshinah
Apr. 9th, 2011 05:16 pm (UTC)
I am laughing so hard at this it's fairly diffcult to get enough oxygen to my brain to say how awesomely hillarious this is. And you've given us two fics on the same day. This day cannot offically get any better.
caitri
Apr. 9th, 2011 05:24 pm (UTC)
*G*G*G* Hearts for you, bb, hearts!!!
amine_eyes
Apr. 9th, 2011 05:55 pm (UTC)
Okay, seriously, stop making me laugh and then want to give Nyota a big squishy hug and then high five her for her awesome and then laugh AGAIN at Jim saying "The power of Doll!Kirk compels you!", i'm scaring my flatmate xD

caitri
Apr. 9th, 2011 09:38 pm (UTC)
I'll work on it. ;)
thistlerose
Apr. 9th, 2011 06:01 pm (UTC)
Eeee! This is so adorable. I love it!
caitri
Apr. 9th, 2011 09:38 pm (UTC)
*G* Thanks, bb!!
joirerson
Apr. 9th, 2011 06:23 pm (UTC)
*smiles so hard my cheeks hurt* This was amazingly lovely!
caitri
Apr. 9th, 2011 09:39 pm (UTC)
*G* Thanks, bb!!!
blue_jack
Apr. 9th, 2011 06:26 pm (UTC)
The power of Doll!Kirk compels you!

*giggles so hard she falls over*
caitri
Apr. 9th, 2011 09:39 pm (UTC)
LOL, sorry?
zauzat
Apr. 9th, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
Awwww, that was just too sweet.
caitri
Apr. 9th, 2011 09:39 pm (UTC)
*G* Glad you liked it!!
avictoriangirl
Apr. 10th, 2011 12:51 am (UTC)
Jim waves the Kirk toy after his retreating back. “The power of Doll!Kirk compels you!” he growls.

Bones heaves a long-suffering sigh. “I’m dating a twelve year old. Fuck my life.”


ROFLMAO!!!!

ILU. ♥
caitri
Apr. 10th, 2011 01:03 am (UTC)
I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(no subject) - weepingnaiad - Apr. 12th, 2011 02:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - caitri - Apr. 12th, 2011 02:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
rubynye
Apr. 10th, 2011 12:54 am (UTC)
He’s tempted to use her first name just because he knows it now, but he can tell if he does she will probably deck him—and Spock and Bones will both let her, because he’d deserve it.

*cries laughing*

Oh, my God, JIM. And Spock and Uhura and Bones, but oh, Jim. This is almost-1100 words of sheer cracktastic delight. *notes into my personal canon*
caitri
Apr. 10th, 2011 01:02 am (UTC)
<33333
reena_jenkins
Apr. 11th, 2011 09:02 pm (UTC)
I can haz podfic, y/y?
caitri
Apr. 11th, 2011 09:23 pm (UTC)
lol, of course, bb!!
phantomminuet
Apr. 11th, 2011 09:38 pm (UTC)
Poor Nyota. I can just imagine how she feels.

“The power of Doll!Kirk compels you!” he growls.

Bwahahahaha!

Edited at 2011-04-11 09:38 pm (UTC)
caitri
Apr. 11th, 2011 11:31 pm (UTC)
*G* Glad you liked it!!
mijan
Apr. 11th, 2011 09:45 pm (UTC)
*giggles*

I needed that.
caitri
Apr. 11th, 2011 11:32 pm (UTC)
*G* Hee, glad you liked it!!
sally_daer
Apr. 11th, 2011 09:50 pm (UTC)
Cute! My Jim and Bones are cuddling on the shelf on top my tv :)
caitri
Apr. 11th, 2011 11:32 pm (UTC)
Yay cuddles!!!
norfolkdumpling
Apr. 11th, 2011 11:15 pm (UTC)
Awww - so cute! My teeny Jim and Bones go everywhere with me (so many photo ops, so little time...) and I totally approve of them having their dolls on the Enterprise. *g*
caitri
Apr. 11th, 2011 11:29 pm (UTC)
*G* Glad you liked it!!
northernwalker
Apr. 12th, 2011 12:42 am (UTC)
“C’mon, Bones,” he says with more enthusiasm than he probably should, “let’s go see what they did to Lieutenant Uhura.”

It was at this moment that I began to cackle.

Loved it!
caitri
Apr. 12th, 2011 12:44 am (UTC)
Hee, glad you liked it!!
ebilchickens
Apr. 12th, 2011 01:13 am (UTC)
This is completely awesome and their dialogue and banter was a pleasure to read. :D Epic!
caitri
Apr. 12th, 2011 01:29 am (UTC)
*G* Glad you liked it, bb!!!
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( 44 comments — Add your .02 )

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