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What's human?

I was just talking to a friend of mine about how I try not to feel the things I do, and he said I should just get over it and feel everything because that's being human.

Sometimes I wonder about that though. Most of my life I never felt real and nothing really touched me: horrible things could happen all the time and I didn't care because it wasn't real and therefore didn't matter. Then I fell in love and fell into my body with a crash and suddenly I could feel all sorts of things good and bad and all that entails. Then when that all lead to nowhere but bad places I wished I could slip out again but I was stuck.

Ever hear the faerie stories about girls without souls, who are hollow inside, or who have nothing behind, or cow-tails? I feel like that sometimes too.

Maybe this is overly gnostic but I wish I could break out of it.

I was reading the "Suicide is Bad" (though not, or still? apparently, painless) portion of one of my wicca books and it said that people choose the lives they enter before birth and what they wanted to learn in this cycle, and all I can think is, Now why in the hell did I think it'd be a good idea to learn this?

Likewise I read in a Phil Dick biography about the koinos idios (the personal reality) and the koinos kosmos or what we'd like to think of as objective reality except maybe it's not objective at all, merely agreed upon. For instance if a person jumped off a tall building, the koinos kosmos laws would say he should go splat, but according to the koinos idios he'd only go splat if he allowed the laws of what he perceived to be reality to say he'd go splat.

Yes, that is The Matrix. Well the first one anyway.

So do humans choose to live in this agreed reality to be miserable (also The Matrix) and "learn" stuff or is it possible to switch out and "learn" stuff in another way without feeling, or alternatively, without feeling bad?

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December 2017


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