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Review: 300

I laughed so hard I cried while Scott groused and wanted to leave. He thoroughly hated it while I find it thoroughly MST3Ksable. Like, seriously, when it comes out on DVD we should have a party. Short short review: Starship Troopers: The Ancient Years!.

As it is, here is my fifteen minute version, cut so as to remove "spoilers" for those who don't want them(I say this in the exact same tone I referred to the ending of Titanic lo those many moons ago.



THE FIFTEEN MINUTE 300

Montage of Leonidas growing up. Spartans are badass motherfuckers, and we get foreshadowing when the teenager kills a humongo wolf by luring it into a narrow mountain passage.

BLACK DUDE with creepy "Song of the South" gold shine: I'm an emissary for Xerxes. Submit or we'll rape your women, kill your men, and burn everything!

LEONIDAS, kicking BLACK DUDE into a well: No! We will preserve our fascist state! I mean liberty! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

BLACK DUDE and OTHER ARABS go splat.

SPARTANS: Ah-woo! Ah-woo! Ah-woo!

ME: Ah-woo is on fire??

LEONIDAS climbs a random mountain to talk to Green Yellow Bastard, who takes him to a Boris Vallejo-esque Oracle and acts pervy.

ORACLE: Ickle ickle oobee kay!

GREEN YELLOW BASTARD: It would be blashemous to go to war!

LEONIDAS: Whatever.

LEONIDAS goes home and bonks his wife a lot in different positions. He may look seventies gay pornish, but he can still bonk his woman.

LEONIDAS: I will stop the Persians by taking my men to the Hot Gates!

GORGO: Sweetie, I'm too tired for that now.

LEONIDAS: No. The geographic mountains.

GORGO: Oh.

LEONIDAS gets together with 300 beefcake boys. Seriously, who goes to war in leather speedos and a cape and nothing else?

GREASY POLITICIAN GUY: I just know you're not going to war.

LEONIDAS: Nope, just going for a walk. With 300 guys, provisions, and weapons. A nice long walk.

GORGO: Take this shield and--ah fuckit.

LEONIDAS: Will do!

LEONIDAS and 300 Spartans, one of whom is FARAMIR, march manfully til they come upon a group of Thesbians and they yammer manfully.

THESBIANS: Wow! I can't believe we got in this movie! Are they going to try to be historically accurate after all?!

LEONIDAS: Who are you kidding? The audience just thinks "Thesbians" sounds funny!

AUDIENCE: Haaaaaaa! They said "Thesbians!" Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!

THESBIANS (downcast): Dammit.

The GREEKS find a random burnt city with lots of people who have totally been Reavered, then finally reach Thermopylae, even though no one attempts to pronounce it. They see shitloads of Persian boats, some of which are squished by a random hurricane to rock music.

[Oh and by the way, the shitty CGI rock video look just made everything look incredibly grainy and bad looking. Like seventies gay porn. Coincidence? I think not!]

ANOTHER BLACK DUDE: Submit to Xerxes!

He is splatted by LEGOLAS and GIMLI, who are even gayer than they were in LOTR.

FIGHT SCENE ensues. Some PERSIANS are randomly played by ORCS. I think the film company must've nailed WETA's leftovers or something.

A HUMPBACK discarded Spartan wants to be part of the army, but he can't pick up his shield properly. LEONIDAS says no thanks, but would he mind moving bodies and giving people water? HUMPBACK scurries off to join the PERSIANS, who have freaky lesbian S&M amputees and the gayest God-King ever. When he wants you on his knees, it's not just cos he's royal, if you get my meaning, and I know you do.

Later, craploads of PERSIANS are killed while the SPARTANS laugh manfully and hope for glorious deaths.

Meanwhile, back in Sparta, GORGO wants to go to Council to send the actual army. POLITICIAN dude looks at her skeezily.

Another fight scene. FARAMIR loses an eye.

LEONIDAS: How's that eye?

FARAMIR, huskily: No biggie, I have another. [David Wenham also inexplicably sounds like he has a head cold the entire film.]

LEONIDAS: Damn, you're manly.

LEGOLAS AND GIMLY: Banter banter banter.

Another fight. LEGOLAS is killed.

LEGOLAS'S DADDY: I should've told him I wuved him!

LEONIDAS: We don't do that. We're manly men.

LEGOLAS'S DADDY: Damn straight.

Back in Sparta. GORGO is consensually raped by POLITICIAN to get a better council audience. At the council meeting:

GORGO: Inexplicable speech about the beauty of democracy in the fascist state and cliches about the cost of freedom! Send more soldiers!

POLITICIAN: She's a whore!

GORGO kills POLITICIAN.

GORGO: Asshole.

POLITICIAN has craploads of Persian gold, apparently in his Spartan speedo.

COUNCIL: TRAITOR! WAR! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE! HARRUMPH HARRUMPH HARRUMPH!

GORGO: I didn't get a HARRUMPH out of that guy!

Back at the other Hot Gates:

LEONIDAS: FARAMIR, go home and tell our story. And give my wife her necklace back.

FARAMIR: Doesn't Arwen need this? Plus, I wanna die!

LEONIDAS: Get over it.

FARAMIR, sulking, and the THESBIANS go home.

LEONIDAS meets with XERXES who is incredibly gay again. LEONIDAS tries to kill him but only manages to make him bleed a little. All the SPARTANS die. LEONIDAS strikes a Christ pose as a million arrows fly towards him in a Heroesque fashion.

FARAMIR gives GORGO the pendant and narrates everything to the council. He continues narrating as he leads a million GREEKS against a thousand PERSIANS in a knock-off of the Helm's Deep climax that is much much gayer.

THE END.

No, I didn't exaggerate either. You may forward this if you give me credit.

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